A Festival of Faith & Writing

There is the story of the Festival, and the story of all of my feelings around the Festival. I will try to tell them both.

Leaving home broke my heart this time. Partly because it was our term break and I was missing out on days with my son, days that had no commitments or errands or homework to work in. Partly because of the puppy, who I’ve never left before. Partly because of the house, which I’ve also never left.

I didn’t think I would care about leaving a house, but it’s been feeling so good to build and craft a home. We had a media center built in and it fits all of my books. The days I spent filling the shelves, in groupings of poetry, fiction, plays, anthologies, collections, etc., and alphabetizing each section, I was bowled over by my feelings for all of the books that have turned me into the writer I am. Those books made me feel an incredible sense of love and belonging.

I had a worry that going to a festival would shatter my sense of belonging. I would remember how very isolated I am, having moved to the UK. I would be sitting alone at lunch tables and in lobbies and at talks, and I’d feel those strange feelings from teenager-y social settings.

On the plane, I looked out the window and thought, I’m an idiot for leaving home. And I berated myself for leaving my loved ones and for leaving the safety and consistency of home. I realized, maybe for the first time, and from a deep place (where tears crawl up from, and nausea, and panic), how much I love the life I have created for myself here.

Everything on that first flight went horribly. The plane was leaking and we waited for a new part to arrive, but eventually were de-planed, sent back through customs, and sent to buses that took us to another airport. We were running six hours late and I missed every connection. I was put in a taxi to a hotel near another airport in NYC and got to shower and sleep for a couple hours. I was so close to seeing my siblings (two live in NYC), but not close enough. It was another small heartbreak.